Three Causes of Conflict
When I am asked to mediate conflicts and hear the surface facts, I start by imagining the origin of the issue. How did it begin? What caused to grow? What would help the people resolve it? Recently I mediated two co-workers (let’s call them Alicia and Ben) who had reported having an intense conflict. I thought it might be helpful to share how their disagreement came to be, and how similar conflicts can be avoided by asking a few simple questions.
1. Different Starting Points
At the start of our conversation, I asked each person to describe how the conflict began for each. The starting points were very different in terms of timing and behaviors. In other words, while Alicia was 'minding her own business,' Ben had become activated and started formulating defenses. According to Alicia, the first interaction the two had suddenly became problematic. But for Ben, that was already their second interaction. The first interaction for Ben was when he saw Alicia speak with others. Typically, one person has no idea that their behavior somehow triggers others. We just aren't aware what waves we make in other people's minds. And, it's not possible for us to eliminate all such 'wave-making' on our end. But we can be curious about what ‘waves’ others imagine and ask a person who doesn't seem friendly - Is there something I did that you found disagreeable or offensive in some way? When this question is posed with curiosity, at a time and place that feels private and safe for both people, this can result in an honest conversation that clears the air and creates a shared dynamic of trust.
2. Different Lenses and Metaphors
When I asked Alicia and Ben to describe how the other offended them, they used wildly different metaphors to describe the other's behavior. Alicia mentioned being provoked by a 'sniper' strategy, while Ben was offended by a 'fake display of emotion.' This took a while to unpack and required each to acknowledge that while they are free to describe the other in whatever terms they wanted, the description is their own, and not an objective view of the conflict. To help Alicia & Ben get unstuck from these metaphors, I asked each of them to own their description and use language that respected each other’s boundaries. For example, we rephrased "you sniped me" as "I felt sniped" and "you faked your emotions" to "I didn't trust your emotions." The shift in the phrasing made a difference in the way each person was able to tolerate being perceived (rather than accused).
3. Different Rules and Strategies
I also noted that Alicia and Ben had different 'rules of engagement.' Each was reasonable (Alicia’s 'ask for permission' vs Ben’s 'beg for forgiveness'), but different from the other in what each valued (egalitarianism vs authority). Each assumed their approach was 'correct' and any other was improper. When one of them violated the rules of the other, the response was contempt (How can you deal with this person if they don't behave properly?).
Once I highlighted these differences in their rules of engagement as well as the assumptions about their 'correctness,' the conversation between Alicia and Ben deepened. Each shared their experiences that shaped their views and approaches. Each became curious about the origin of the other's rules, how it came to make sense for them, etc.
Our conversation took 2.5 hours. By the end, both Alicia and Ben found a common ground. They agreed to continue their dialogue, to remain curious about the other during times of conflict, and to consider adopting some of each other's rules to augment their preferred style.
If you are reading this and are reminded of a conflict you are currently having, perhaps it would be helpful to become curious about your assumptions about the other person and check them out. Ask a few open-ended questions about how your behaviors land, what meaning they make of what they hear you say, and how they have come to have those views. You might be surprised at what new information you learn about yourself, and others.